


Help with skating isn't the only kind he needs

by PhoenixFireAndSanelyInsane



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Domestic Discipline, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Injuries, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Spanking, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 16:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14937869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixFireAndSanelyInsane/pseuds/PhoenixFireAndSanelyInsane
Summary: Yuuri has an unhealthy, unsafe coping mechanism to deal with his feelings of failure, and he does his best to hide it. But due to a series of unfortunate events, Viktor finds out and -literally- takes matters into his own hands. He'll do anything to keep his fiance safe, even if neither of them likes how he does it.(POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM IS DESCRIBED IN DETAIL! PLEASE DON'T READ IF THAT WILL TRIGGER YOU!)





	Help with skating isn't the only kind he needs

**Author's Note:**

> *MAJOR EDIT: I removed a Russian word that I spent well over an hour researching to make sure it wasn't offensive that was being used as a playful nickname, but apparently it's much more offensive than the word I was originally going to use, so I just removed it to avoid offending anyone else. I'm very sorry I apparently didn't do enough research or talk to the right Russian speaker before making my word choice. I know nothing about the Russian language or culture, and I guess the Russian I talked to lied to me. If anyone else gets offended at the very tiny bit of Russian in this, I will remove it too.*
> 
> I know what not many people are going to like this for whatever reason. That's fine, you have every right to not like it. But I want to explain why I wrote this.
> 
> I myself struggle with anxiety and self-harm issues, as well as depression. I try to use writing as a coping mechanism instead of self-harm, and due to some recent issues, I've been fighting the urge. Writing this has really helped with that.
> 
> Yuuri's feelings are partially based on my own. I did, of course, alter them to fit in the YOI world and Viktuuri, but at the base of them ("I'm worthless and a failure and I have to punish myself for being a poor excuse for a human being"), they're my own feelings.
> 
> There are translations for the little snippets of Russian included at the end.

Yuuri cried out softly as he hit the ice hard after yet again failing his sequence. He had asked Viktor to help him with a sequence solely to add a bit of flair to his routine for the next season, and the one they had both managed to agree on (Viktor reluctantly doing so) was quite difficult. It was supposed to be a One-foot Salchow, followed by an Open Axel, followed by a Russian Split, and finished off with a Tuck Axel. He was struggling with doing a Russian Split and struggling even more with going into one from an Open Axel.

 

"Are you alright, Yuuri? That looked like a bad fall!" Viktor called. The raven felt his eyes burn a bit, threatening to tear up, as he got back on his feet and nodded.

 

"I'm fine! I think I know what I did wrong this time, I'm going to try again!"

 

Viktor gave him a wary look, but didn't try to stop him as Yuuri once again tried to go through the whole sequence. Which, again, ended with him crashing down on the ice hard during the transition from Open Axel to Russian Split. His eyes watered as he started trying to get up.

 

_"Dammit, Yuuri, you're such a failure! Even with the best professional skater in the history of the sport as your coach, you still can't skate right!"_  he mentally scolded himself. Before he could try again after standing up, Viktor called out to him.

 

"I think that's enough practice for today, let's go get some lunch and relax!"

 

Yuuri took a deep breath and kept his head down as he skated over to the entrance, refusing to look up at the Russian as he removed his skates. He didn't trust himself to speak right now. Viktor frowned.

 

"Yuuri, it's okay. I still struggle a bit with Russian Splits, it's not an easy jump. They take quite a lot of practice, as well as falls while learning. Why don't we focus on that tomorrow, hm? I'll even come out on the ice and help!" "Okay..."

 

The two walked back to the onsen in silence, dropping their bags in their rooms with Yuuri saying he was going to change before they worried about lunch. Which he did intend to do, but it was mostly an excuse so he could hide in his room alone for a few minutes.

 

Once in his room, Yuuri shut and locked the door, leaning back against it and slowly sliding to the floor as he finally let tears fall.

 

"Yuuri, you're pathetic. Those jumps aren't even that hard, yet you can't do them right at all." he spat quietly.

 

He let himself cry silently for a minute before getting up and going to his desk, digging around in the top drawer until he found his Exacto knife. Sniffling, he removed his pants and sat in his desk chair.

 

"You deserve this for being such a loser."

 

With that, he pressed the blade of the knife to his upper right thigh and dragged it slowly across the skin, watching as a bit of blood started to ooze out. He moved the knife a bit lower and repeated this action, going over an old scar obtained from this same behavior.

 

"You must be stupid if you can't do it right."

 

Yuuri worked slowly at making three more cuts, relaxing bit by bit at each new mark.

 

This was a habit he kept secret from everyone. He needed a way to punish himself when he completely screwed up since he could at least have full control of it when he couldn't control screwing up. The pain helped him learn, at least in his mind. Yuuri had started cutting himself after he failed the Grand Prix Final miserably, and since that first cut, he hadn't been able to stop when he felt like a failure of a person. He would be reminded of his failures when he saw his bare thighs, and it pushed him to try harder so he wouldn't have to do it again. But, no matter how hard he tried, he would always mess up again and return to his little method of coping. He had gotten worse after he and Viktor had returned to Japan to start training for the next season, having his high from placing in the last one shattered when he completely failed to do his winning routine during the first practice. That had been about a month and a half ago, and three weeks ago he had asked Viktor about the sequence for flair. One week later was when they had agreed on one and started trying to practice it.

 

Yuuri looked at the five newest cuts and wiped his eyes, then wiped the blade off on a tissue and put it away. He traced over the ones he had made nearly a week ago on his left thigh before using the tissue to wipe away the blood on his skin and getting up to change. He made sure he was wearing black pants just in case blood tried to soak through. He pulled on a light gray t-shirt and headed out to find Viktor waiting by the front door.

 

"There you are! I was about to come looking for you! Come on, I found a nice place we can try out!"

 

He grabbed the raven's wrist and led him out. "I think you'll like it, it's a nice tea shop with what everyone says is wonderful dango! I think one stick each won't hurt anything!"

 

Viktor was right, it did have nice dango. Yuuri put on a smile for their entire meal and did his best to appear like nothing was wrong, though inside, he still felt awful.

 

-

 

For the next three days at practice, they focused on trying to perfect Yuuri's Russian Split. He had quite noticeably improved already and was gaining back some of his confidence. But, on the fourth day, things went south.

 

"I think I'm ready to try the sequence again, Viktor!"

 

Viktor frowned. "Are you sure, Yuuri? I really think we should work on that jump for another day or two." "Yes! I'm fine!"

 

Before another word could be gotten in, Yuuri skated off and started into the sequence. This time, he successfully went into the Russian Split from the Open Axel, but when he tried to land, he tripped over his skates and faceplanted into the ice.

 

"Yuuri!"

 

The Russian practically bolted over to him and helped him up. "Are you alright? Did you break your nose or anything?" he asked, trying to check the Japanese man over.

 

Yuuri refused to look at him and yanked his arm away. "I'm fine! I just fell, it's not life threatening!" he snapped.

 

Viktor jerked back a bit in surprise. He didn't expect to get yelled at for trying to be a good friend and coach. He watched Yuuri storm off the ice, quietly gathering his own things once he was left alone. "Well, something else must be bothering him. I'll just talk to him when he calms down..." With a sigh, he headed out and back towards the onsen.

 

-

 

Yuuri hiccuped as he made another cut, totaling seven. "How could you yell at him?! All he did was try to make sure you were okay! God, you're horrible, Yuuri!" He made one more before wiping the blade off and putting it away, then staring at the blood on his right thigh for a moment before cleaning it off and pulling his pants back up. "I'd better go find Viktor and apologize..."

 

He tried to make himself look like he hadn't been crying before leaving his room and going to Viktor's, knocking softly. "Um, Viktor?" The door slid open and he was pulled inside. "Are you okay, Yuuri? What's wrong? Are you ready to tell me what's bothering you?"

 

Yuuri yelped when he was a bit roughly forced to sit down facing his coach. "Uh, kinda...I-I came to apologize for how I acted...There was no need to yell at you when all you did was try to help...I'm sorry..."

 

Viktor smiled a bit and tussled his hair. "It's okay! Sometimes people get frustrated and lash out, it's normal! Just try not to do it again, okay?" The raven blushed a bit and nodded. "Okay..." The Russian leaned forward a bit and kissed his cheek. "Let's get something to eat, da? Then we can maybe go soak in the onsen?"

 

Yuuri gave a nod and followed him out. He obviously wasn't  _that_  bad if Viktor wanted to be around him, right? A professional of his level wouldn't hang around complete losers, or be their coach, right?

 

That's what he would try to tell himself when he messed up next time. Keyword being  _try_.

 

-

 

Things, again, went downhill during practice the next day. Yuuri was barely able to stop himself from falling every time he tried any sort of jump, even a Bunny Hop! Out of pure frustration, he took off and launched into a Quadruple Axel. "Careful! Don't hurt yourself!" Viktor called. " I won't, I'm fine!"

 

Just as he said that, his left foot slipped out from under him and he fell down hard on his right side, giving a loud yelp as pain exploded in both his thigh and his shoulder. "YUURI!"

 

He just laid still as Viktor rushed to his side and knelt in front of him. "Ty v poryadke, sakharok?"* "English, Viktor..." "I asked if you're alright!"

 

Yuuri let Viktor help him sit up, and he rubbed his shoulder. "Yeah, I'm fine, may have bruised my shoulder though..."

 

"That's good, at least you didn't br-You're bleeding!"

 

The raven followed his partner's eyes and froze. There was a bit of blood seeping through his pants on his thigh. Right where he had cut himself the previous day. He started to panic internally.

 

_"Dammit, that fall must've reopened them! Why did I have to wear light colored pants today?!"_

Viktor got them both up and rushed Yuuri off the ice, sitting him on the nearest bench.

 

"I don't even know how this could've happened, your pants are intact! Let me get a first aid kit!" he fussed, grabbing his bag and digging through it.

 

"V-Vitya, I'm fine! I promise! It's nothing! I-I accidentally dropped a craft knife on my leg last night and got a cut, it's really not that bad, I just need to replace the bandage! I can do it myself at home!" Yuuri said quickly, voice cracking a bit with nervousness.

 

"You're bleeding! That's not fine! I found the bandages, let me help!"

 

Viktor tried to lay him back, but he just squirmed away, which confused the Russian.

 

"Sakharok, I can't patch you up if you don't lay back and let me move your pants." "I-I don't need it! Really!" "Yes, you do. We are the only ones in the entire building, no one is going to see."

 

Yuuri barely managed to bite back a whimper as Viktor reached for his pants again. "No!"

 

He got up and tried to bolt. He had to get away! He couldn't let Viktor see his thighs, he'd lose him and be all alone! Viktor wouldn't want him after he saw what a failure Yuuri was.

 

Unfortunately, his pants leg was grabbed when he tried to run, and they ended up sliding down enough that a few old scars could be seen. Both men froze, staring at them before Viktor's expression turned solemn. "Oh, Yuuri..."

 

The raven felt his eyes watering.  _"I was right, he doesn't want me anymore..."_

 

Before any more dark thoughts entered his head, his pants were gently pulled down and his fresh cuts were bandaged, then he was carefully sat back on the bench and pulled into a tight hug.

 

"How long?"

 

Yuuri sniffled. "Since I lost the finals the year before last..."

 

Viktor tightened his hold.

 

"This isn't good for you. I should've noticed something was wrong, but I didn't. I thought you were only over stressing because you were nervous about this season..." "I specifically tried to make sure no one suspected anything."

 

The Russian nuzzled into his hair. "Why?"

 

"I can't stop myself from screwing up. I do it all the time. But I can control this. I can punish myself for messing up, leave reminders that encourage me to try harder and do better every time I see them. It works like motivation I don't want to have to do...The pain helps me learn."

 

Viktor gave him a squeeze and started petting his hair.

 

"Yuuri, you should've come to me if you felt this way after I became your coach. I didn't know your anxiety was this bad. I know it's not easy to talk about, I understand that, but we're engaged now. I need to know if you're okay."

 

The Japanese man sniffled and rubbed his eyes, leaning into the other man. "I'm sorry, Viktor, I didn't mean to be such a disappointment..."

 

The Russian pulled back and cupped Yuuri's cheeks, making the younger man look at him.

 

"You are  _not_  a disappointment. I'm disappointed that I didn't notice something was wrong and that you felt that this was your only option. But I am  _not_  disappointed in  _you_ , Yuuri. I will be if you continue this, though. Please, promise me that it stops now."

 

Yuuri swallowed hard, eyes watering again. "V-Viktor, I...I don't think I could keep that promise if I made it..."

 

"What if I made you a deal? If you feel the need to hurt yourself as punishment, come to me and I'll punish you since you feel like you're failing me. Okay? Can you promise me that much?"

 

Yuuri hesitated a bit before nodding. "Okay, Viktor..."

 

Viktor gave him a soft smile. "Thank you. And you will get quite the talking to if you do it again, but because you are important to me, not because you're a disappointment or a failure."

 

He gave Yuuri a quick, but quite gentle and loving kiss when he nodded in agreement.

 

"Now, since you have that same look in your eyes that you did when we left here yesterday, I think that now is as good as a time as any to start."

 

Yuuri gave him a confused look as he stepped back and grabbed his wrist. "Um, start what?" "Our deal! I'm not going to take you home and let you go and cut yourself, so I'm going to go ahead and punish you. We still have an hour before your friends who run the rink will be returning."

 

He suddenly felt incredibly nervous. "W-What are you going to do?"

 

Viktor sat down on the slim side of the bench and pulled Yuuri to him.

 

"You said the pain helps you learn, so I'm going to give you a much safer version that should have the same effect."

 

Yuuri yelped and blushed when he was lightly tugged over his coach's lap, his right arm being grabbed and pinned to the small of his back. "V-Vitya? Are-Are you planni-"

 

His unfinished question was answered when Viktor's hand came down hard on his ass, making him jerk forward a bit, and a fairly quick pace was picked up.

 

"OW! Th-This is what you decided on?!" he squeaked.

 

Viktor didn't pause as he gave a light shrug. "Well, you said you were punishing yourself and the pain helped you learn, so I chose a physically painful punishment! Spankings are considered a punishment here, da?"

 

Yuuri squirmed, face bright red. "W-Well, yes, but for children! I'm almost twenty-five!"

 

Viktor easily held him in place and kept going. He didn't feel he needed to say anything else for the time being and focused on the task at hand. He didn't even bother telling Yuuri to be still, he knew it hurt and that he would eventually settle down.

 

Yuuri, on the other hand, was feeling absolutely humiliated at being in this position. He wasn't a child, he was a grown man! But he had been acting rather childish as of late...

 

_"Maybe I do deserve this...But does it have to be so embarrassing?!"_

 

He kept squirming and tried to free his arm, but the grip on it tightened and pressed it more firmly into his back.

 

"Nn, Viktor, please! I get it! No more cutting! Please knock it off!" he whined.

 

"This is for your own good, Yuuri. I'm doing this because you're important to me and I care about you so much. If this is what I must do to keep you safe, so be it."

 

He sped up a bit as Yuuri started squirming a bit more.

 

"I'm sorry! I-I thought you would leave me if you knew!"

 

Viktor froze for a moment and looked down at the back of his head.

 

"Why on earth would I do that? You need love and support to help you get over it, abandoning you could make things much worse!"

 

Yuuri used his free hand to wipe at his eyes again. "Because I've talked to a lot of people like me who were left by the people close to them when they were found out... I couldn't stand the thought of that happening..."

 

"I wouldn't do that to you. Ever. And I'm going to make sure you understand that."

 

He carefully tugged Yuuri's pants down before continuing the spanking a bit harder, earning a small squeal of surprise and a lot more squirming. "VIKTOR!"

 

"We're almost done, Yuuri, okay? Be strong for me. You can do it."

 

Viktor started aiming for his upper thighs, wincing slightly at the strangled cry it ripped from the younger man's throat. He hated that he had caused it, but he knew this was for the best. Anything to make sure Yuuri never added another scar to his skin.

 

After about a minute of this, Yuuri completely stopped fighting as he gave in to his urges and started crying.

 

"I-I'm sorry, V-Vitya!" he wailed.

 

He hiccupped as his pants were very gently pulled back up and he was put on his feet. Viktor placed his hands on Yuuri's shoulders. "Look at me, sakharok."

 

Yuuri rubbed his eyes and did so, sniffling.

 

"Tell me why I punished you."

 

He looked away. Viktor gently grabbed his chin and made his partner look at him. "Tell me, Yuuri."

 

"B-Because I was c-cutting myself...And di-idn't tell you I was having p-problems..."

 

The Russian nodded. "That's two out of three. What's the last one?"

 

Yuuri tried to look down, but the hand on his chin firmly held his head in place. He deflated and shrugged.

 

"The last one is that I care deeply for you, Yuuri, and I don't want you to hurt yourself because you think you're failing me. You are the best thing that's happened to me since I first got Makkachin. You have quite a large piece of my heart, and I would do anything to keep you safe. You are the most important person in my life." He finished off his mini-speech by gently kissing him on the forehead, then on the nose.

 

"I-I'm sorry..." "Hush now, everything that needed to be forgiven has been. But remember, talk to me when you feel like that, and tell me if you're feeling the need to hurt yourself again. Every single time. I'll take care of that need the same way I just did until you stop getting it. Unless it didn't help, of course. Did it?"

 

The raven's face went bright red and he gave a hesitant nod. "I-It did help..." "Good! I didn't like it any more than you did, but if it helps my sakharok, then I shall do it. Now, let's go home and have a soak! I think we could both use it, da?"

 

Yuuri gave a slight smile and nodded again, allowing Viktor to help him remove his skates without having to sit down (which he was incredibly grateful for) and pack up his practice bag. Once that was done, they each took their own bags and walked hand in hand back to the onsen. On their walk back, Viktor agreed not to tell anyone about Yuuri's self-harm and their deal so long as the Japanese man kept up his end and didn't get worse. Which wasn't too bad of a deal; Yuuri lets Viktor help him in a way that gives him the release he needs, in return, he goes to Viktor when his anxiety is bothering him enough it's truly affecting him and Viktor keeps the situation between the two of them.

 

Though the method was embarrassing, Yuuri was okay with this. After all, it was much better than the scars and the risk of bleeding through his clothes on the ice again.

**Author's Note:**

> *Ty v poryadke, sakharok?: Russian phrase that roughly translates to "Are you alright, sugar?" So when you see Viktor calling Yuuri "sakharok", he's calling him "sugar".
> 
> Also, there's a sequel! https://archiveofourown.org/works/15332439

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Doing Better, But Still Needing Help](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15332439) by [PhoenixFireAndSanelyInsane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixFireAndSanelyInsane/pseuds/PhoenixFireAndSanelyInsane)




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